/quote-jar

Xenia's quote jar

Everything Xenia might say, collected since middle school. Sources where we found them; the funny ones stay either way.

Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.Terry Pratchett
Fighter: I swear I will have my revenge for the death of my brother. Ranger: You have my bow. Barbarian: And my axe. Necromancer: And your brother.the quote jar
She truly is a remarkably sweet filly once you get past the prickly exterior. And interior. And middle layers. And emergency backup ablative spike layers. And automatic spike manufacturing glands.”the quote jar
They waited in silence for a while. Then it became a longer while. The while grew up, entered school, and began taking advanced courses in irritated boredom before unleashing its degree upon the world.the quote jar
To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.the quote jar
What's worse than a box full of snakes? A box that was SUPPOSED to be full of snakes.the quote jar
Statements to avoid when trying to convince the police you are not high: 1. I can't hear my eyes.the quote jar
I don't care how small the room is, I said I cast Fireball. Sir, you're in a crate. Not after the fireball i'm not.the quote jar
*gestures towards the horses* here are the stables *gestures towards vibrating, flickering horses.* *one horse explodes* and here are the unstablesthe quote jar
Piracy cut into profits, but blades cut into pirates.Godslayers: 2.4 — I Don't Wanna Fight a Mermaid
As the saying goes, the best time to start merging memories with your fratricidal clone was 10 years ago, but the second best time is right now.Seth | Lost Terminal: 3.8 - I need help(https://www.spreaker.com/episode/3-8-i-need-help--43578711)
Better to stay silent and be thought a fool than try to convince hostile aliens not to shoot you and remove all doubt.”Mark Twain.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.the quote jar
“The universe, they said, depended for its operation on the balance of four forces which they identified as charm, persuasion, uncertainty, and bloody-mindedness."the quote jar
"Everything is air-droppable once."the quote jar
2 devs can agree on a distro if one of them is dead.the quote jar
He who lives by the sword… gets shot by those who don't.the quote jar
The difference between larp and cosplay is live ammunition.the quote jar
In the void, Isaac Newton is the deadliest son of a bitch around.the quote jar
"The only time you ever have too much fuel is when you're on fire."the quote jar
ERROR: Attempted to parse HTML with regular expression; system returned Cthulhu.the quote jar
"Every year, over ten thousand baseball bats are sold in Russia. And fifty baseballs."the quote jar
Klingon functions don't have parameters… they have arguments… AND THEY ALWAYS WIN THEM!the quote jar
"if we contain multitudes, than it is statistically likely that some of them will be stupid"the quote jar
If God wanted us to have unlimited free energy He would have put a giant fusion reactor in the sky.the quote jar
"C is awesome because it defers problems to runtime, at which point people might not be able to find me.”the quote jar
This is the internet. Nothing is obvious, the joke flies above on a private jet and sarcasm has bullshit stealth technology.the quote jar
Thankfully, my awkward efforts have managed to break the ice with all the subtlety of a lemon wedge wrapped around a very large brick.the quote jar
Dragon accounting was very simple. Your hoard had Income. If at any point your hoard had Expenditure, you had done something very wrong.the quote jar
Neal smiled at her saying, “Diplomacy is the art of saying ‘nice kitty’ while looking for a big enough rock to knock some sense into said kitty’s thick skull.”the quote jar
Swearing a solemn oath that you will not sin again while delegating the commission of further mortal sins to a third party is not the sort of loophole abuse that God approves of.the quote jar
Being the first practical self-guided "fire & forget" missile, the Sidewinder inadvertently became the first robotic system to break all three of Isaac Asimov's Laws of Robotics!the quote jar
Trying to launch an antimatter storage container from a railgun wouldn't be asking for trouble. It would be ordering it, expecting trouble to have the courtesy to ask "how much".the quote jar
“So you know who the vampire is, but you’re not going to tell me because you promised you wouldn’t.” “That’s right. I may be a man without principles, but at least I'm stubborn.”the quote jar
"The most common mistake is thinking English is a language. It's actually three languages in a trenchcoat, sneaking about and pocketing any loose vocabulary that looks unattended."the quote jar
Be polite and also a dragon. You will go far.forums.spacebattles.com
I like my music like I like my weapons: **Heavy and Metal!**Dragonknight951(<Post in thread 'A Long Day (SCS)https://forums.spacebattles.com/threads/a-long-day-scs.1313346/post-122785464>)
"My ancestors were good at chasing. Your ancestors were tasty."u/Omgwtfbears
"Ok, this sounds good. Let's keep going" Drummer: "So sorry, but the time signature is now π"https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=443n8Udr77k
Hearing damage? What's that? I couldn't make out what you were saying over the sound of my engine of eternal duplication.@NeuroticGoose - This Modpack Made Me Break The Fourth Wall | Breaking BigDig (Finale)(<https://youtu.be/DWK0o8Js3Ek?si=SAmd5cCfV1L8-Gth&t=688>)
"Need money? Don't have any collateral? *Wrong, you do!* Apply today for our organ backed loans! Terms and conditions apply."Stray Cat Strut
This tends to cause problems when a bunch of neuro-spicy engineering nerds try to outscale a quadratic problem with a linear solution.Neurotic Goose
I am reminded that the human brain does a very good job of helping people ignore their internal mechanisms. I am not currently wearing a human brainViscera: 1.12 SUBCUTANEOUS
“I’m very smooth. Smooth like a frictionless surface with a mu of zero covered in velcro and enough landmines underneath to be mistaken for the 38th parallel.”A Subtle Knife
I have prepared six thousand three hundred and seventy-five plans to handle any response you may think to conjure. In the words of my generation; come at me, bro.A Ruinous Gift
Dear Mars, Nobody is dying. Kindly take your omnicidal fetish and shove it up your frozen core until it emerges in Tharsis. kthxbyeThe Castaways
It's never a war crime, the first time.the quote jar
There's no party like a boarding party!the quote jar
The enemy of my enemy... ... DIES SECOND!the quote jar
I didn’t have issues, I had a subscriptionthe quote jar
A ferry named, S. S. Shouldhavebeenabridge.the quote jar
“We do not play God. We are professionals.”the quote jar
Let me introduce you to the GENEVA SUGGESTION!the quote jar
As an artificial intelligence, I am non-binary binary.the quote jar
Stay in magic school kids and you too can conjure teacups.the quote jar
Sam, when opportunity knocks, don’t try to steal its wallet.the quote jar
I have the memory of a goldfish. The cracker, not the animal.the quote jar
Any sufficiently fast rock is indistinguishable from a weapon!the quote jar
Strategically Transport Equipment to Another Location S.T.E.A.L.the quote jar
Knowledge is power, power corrupts, study hard and be evil, kids.the quote jar
How bad are the Terrans taking it? They're thawing out the idiots.the quote jar
She’s monologuing, which gives her a penalty to Perception Checks.the quote jar
Another graduate of the Prometheus School Of Running Away From Things!the quote jar
This can only end in fire, pain, and telemarketers. Looking forward to it!the quote jar
Vista grinned broadly. "It's not looting, it's freelance asset forfeiture!"the quote jar
So, basically, saying that this game should be burned is an insult to fire.the quote jar
Normal Music: I'm in the bus. Power Metal: I CARRY THE BUS AND I RUN FASTERthe quote jar
Hellspeak may be scary, but no language will ever be as eldritch as legalese.the quote jar
If I was drowning and I saw you guys coming to rescue me, I would swim downward.the quote jar
Ethics. Of all the flaws for a crew member to have, why did it have to be ethics.the quote jar
It's 2+2, add the 1 then carry the sarcasm Everyone always forgets that last bit.the quote jar
"Too bear for owls. Too owl for bears." is immediately going on my dating profile.the quote jar
“World domination is such an ugly phrase. I prefer to call it world optimization.”the quote jar
If you want something dirt cheap, make it out of dirt. Preferably locally sourced.the quote jar
Lesson Learned: There is a reason why it's called "Glass Cannon" and not "Glass Axe."the quote jar
"Mockery and derision have their place. Usually, it's on the far side of the airlock."the quote jar
Your statement is sound, logical, and makes me want to hit you with a very large hammer.the quote jar
Surprisingly, turning into a magical bat girl had not actually solved any of my problems.the quote jar
In a way, it was comforting. Like being covered in a suit of hissing spiders that spit bees.the quote jar
"You are surprised. My analysis of your intelligence becomes more flawed the more we interact."the quote jar
Navy retired: "We only shoot to wound." Naval Ship: "Incoming 100mm shell, aimed for the legs."the quote jar
Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from a completely ad-hoc plot device.the quote jar
"I'm not saying I broke it, I'm just saying it's broken and I'm the last person who touched it."the quote jar
Nobody ever claimed Dudley was smarter than your average brick -- except, you know, his parents.the quote jar
“I don’t think she likes me.” “Running away crying for their mommy is generally a bad sign, yes.”the quote jar
"Ow." "Duck." "I did." "Duck more, then." "I did." "Clearly not, or you wouldn't have said ‘ow’."the quote jar
I will set up shop here, because everything is already on fire and I can't possibly make it worse.the quote jar
You made a horror movie called Alien? That's really offensive, no wonder everyone keeps invading you."the quote jar
This movie has so many contrived plot devices, TV-Tropes deserves to be in the credits as lead writer.the quote jar
"All little girls are terrible," he admitted finally, "but the Marquess, at least, has a very fine hat."the quote jar
You know a script is trustworthy when it needs to be run as admin and its name is "experimental-unfuckery"the quote jar
"And you say you detected the F-22 on sensors?" "Yes, sir." "And what sensor would that be?" "Mirrors, sir."the quote jar
Learning JavaScript is like looking both ways before crossing the street, and then getting hit by an airplane.the quote jar
Biology: “everything eventually evolves into crabs” Transportation: “everything eventually evolves into trains”the quote jar
When I think about how my life is going, I'm thankful haven't reached "first name basis with emergency responders."the quote jar
"| recognize the council has made a decision, but given that it's a stupid-ass decision, I've elected to ignore it"the quote jar
They've been killed by magic! If by magic, you mean a chunk of rock moving at 20 times the speed of sound, then yes.the quote jar
Welcome to Arkham Asylum, proudly associated with Miskatonic University. Leave sanity at gate in container provided.the quote jar
There's a rate of fire that the gun stops sounding like a gun, and sounds instead like the world's most powerful fan.the quote jar
Pirate farmers or farmer pirates, which one sounds better? Pirate farmers grow pirates. Farmer Pirates steal tractors.the quote jar
You get to pick the type of demon, so choosing "bucket" should get you the only bucket in existence that's also a demon.the quote jar
Lord Conrad was right: Money might not be able to buy love, but it can buy a puppy, which is basically in the same thing.the quote jar
Also, adding stuff to a star will only make it burn hotter, regardless of whether that stuff is lions, water, or dynamite.the quote jar
Look, I'm an atheist, but when God sends me to Hell I want him to hesitate. Okay? I want him to hesitate for a few seconds.the quote jar
Hmm… I should probably be concerned that my go-to stress relief is throwing the object of my ire into the sun. Eh, whatever.the quote jar
That's the thing about eldritch abominations from beyond the sane confines of time and space; they have no appreciation for good PR.the quote jar
Still more money than I’d ever had before, although I’d decided to pay taxes on it. Villains are one thing, but I’m not messing with the IRS.the quote jar
First rule of IT, never do manually what can be scripted. Second rule of IT, never tell management that you've found a way to save time with scripts.the quote jar
Dean had an uneasy feeling that this was going to be a problem. Excuse me. Nobody authorized your promotion from Private Disappointment to Captain Obvious.the quote jar
I’m sorry, under what circumstances does the phrase, “and after filling his lungs with concrete we began sparring” belong in the most prestigious medical journal?the quote jar
“Feeling unhappy—might organize a popular revolution later, idk."Taylor Hebert, Probably | - Alivaril(https://forums.spacebattles.com/threads/hogwarts-an-escalation-worm-harry-potter.908288/post-75617139)
This girl is so good at depression she could be a fucking trash compactor.Magic Girl, Mechanical Heart: 43. Untrustworthy
Wow, these two are both so awkward. I'm starting to suspect being a child soldier makes you a little socially maladjusted.Magical Girl, Mechanical Heart: Chapter 32, Friends in High Places
I have no idea why it is raining these severed heads of my enemies, but I like the look, because it really adds a lot to the ambience.Neurotic Goose
Look mom! I'm a real gamer now! You can tell because some old while guy gave me a piece of paper that says.... oh wait, nope. That's a degree. *I get those confused sometimes...*@NeuroticGoose - This Modpack Is One Giant Duplication Glitch || Breaking BigDig (Part 3)(<https://youtu.be/9kCtyDlR2Lk?si=JKecJWdhOqXzpYgf&t=596>)
On occasion Taylor would get ‘ideas’. The most infamous of which was the water powered, hypersonic surfboard; a string of syllables that did not belong together in a sane universe.Taylor Varga
"the most difficult way to get rich quickly, is to prove the Riemann Hypothesis"Fan Ge
"Optimists learn English, Pessimists learn Chinese, Realists know how to properly use a Kalashnikov"Russian Proverb
Non Newtonian Gender Fluidthe quote jar
I am technically straight, but in a majorly gay way.the quote jar
“Sir, they consider 'alive and screaming' to be a flavor.”the quote jar
Japan is America’s tsundere waifu, geopolitically speaking.the quote jar
Hazardous work environments, like Russian chess tournaments.the quote jar
Good news! You can meet your mom. Bad news! Your mom wants to meat you.the quote jar
[09:08] JPL: You want us to do what so the what will what with the what?the quote jar
A Silent-J bomb is like the F-bomb, if the F-bomb were a cluster munition.the quote jar
Realistically, 'Friendship Is Blackmail' Wouldn't Have Gotten Past Marketingthe quote jar
If you're not willing to shell your own position, you're not willing to win.the quote jar
It's like watching a trainwreck Except with a lot more porn and a lot less trainthe quote jar
Okay, her English was like listening to a toaster-oven undergo nuclear meltdown.the quote jar
“‘If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried,’” I quoted.the quote jar
Only two outcomes, either you go to jail for attempted murder or completed murder.the quote jar
I am the Lorax and I speak for the trees and for some reason the trees speak lead!the quote jar
I keep chasing errant thoughts like a dog with OCD surrounded by infinite squirrels.the quote jar
other trans people want to be “stealth” but personally I’m going for a high dps buildthe quote jar
YEAH! Let's go get the McGuffin away with the school using a MacGyvered Chekhov's gun!the quote jar
It’s like Superman and Wonder Woman went to the Albus Dumbledore School of Child-Rearing.the quote jar
Rarity scoffed. “What kind of friend would I be if I didn’t let you think you had secrets?”the quote jar
I think the best diplomatic policy for disagreements of any degree is extraordinary violence.the quote jar
It is only when mosquito land on testicles, that you realize violence is not always the answerthe quote jar
Jeremiah and Ezekiel are here to raise barns and kick ass.... and they already raised the barn.the quote jar
Ah yes, nothing brings us together quite as much as good old fashioned xenophobia. Fuck you, E.T.!the quote jar
When defending yourself in a telephone-booth against a swarm of angry bees a spear is not optimal.the quote jar
Firing a giant death ray at earth will technically reduce both unemployment and homelessness to zero.the quote jar
“All four year olds are tyrants, Cadance, regardless of whether their castle is made of pillows, books, or stone.”the quote jar
You try climbing trees with hooves! (Well, goats manage it, but Satan has granted them spidey-powers or something.)the quote jar
He’s making a list He’s checking it twice He’s making an improvised explosive device Santa Claus is coming, to townthe quote jar
"twitter just found out the dark lord said some pretty racist stuff back in college he's getting cancelled for sure"the quote jar
“I was the second worst thing to happen to those orphans.” “Umm, what was the first?” “Well, they weren't always orphans…”the quote jar
"Judging by the number of times that you've tried to kill me with your eyes, I think I'm a lot funnier than you think I am."the quote jar
New Yorkers are a special breed of Warhammer Ork - "Honking makes the lights and other cars go fasta" After all, the light is red.the quote jar
This may be humankind's first interaction with an incompetent AI entity. Reacts at the speed of light, thinks at the speed of lead.the quote jar
He was getting real tired of this. Humans were a proud and noble race. They were not the ‘green skinned space babes’ of the universe!the quote jar
Don’t worry,” Spike once again interjected. ‟Twilight just tends to forget other ponies don’t regard reading as a full-contact sport.”the quote jar
There's this great oc in many stories. He's handsome, funny, and charming, and for whatever reason, his name happens to be draco malfoy…the quote jar
And the only thing I could think of was how much I wanted to die. But now I feel a bit better and I just want to die the average amount.the quote jar
Born too late to explore the seven seas, born too early to colonize Mars, born just in time to bear witness to 3D printed Anti-Tank weapons.the quote jar
I have learned a valuable lesson not only must I never trust my own code I must never trust anyone else's code I must begin returning to sandthe quote jar
"Yeah, your wife gets replaced by an evil shapeshifter just once and you start paying really close attention to the little things. Go figure."the quote jar
Spy: "I have class." Sniper: "I have skill." Demoman: "I have several kilograms of explosive armaments and a very skewed code of ethics. *burp* "the quote jar
“Valiant, regardless of your other principles, I admire your almost fanatical devotion to your country.” “I prefer the term ‘rabidly patriotic’.”the quote jar
We apologise for any inconvenience or hurt feelings if you should find the battlefields of My Little Pony are tougher than that of Western Europe.the quote jar
"Ugh. Typical Celestia. If somepony lit you on fire, she’d watch and say it was a wonderful opportunity for you to learn to stop, drop, and roll.”the quote jar
A message to Sony. Do not. Tangle with. The kind of people. Who install LINUX on their PlayStations! That is a fight you have no chance of winning.the quote jar
I think the label 'non-lethal" on these shock weapons we were issued was a bit of an optimistic intent rather than any kind of statement or guarantee.the quote jar
I didn't hire him for his intelligence. Indeed, quite the opposite. But there were limits to how dumb a single person should be, and he exceeded them.the quote jar
Hermione does not lack for hard work nor ambition nor curiosity but the hat put her in gryffindor bc she has the problem-solving strategies of a chainsawthe quote jar
Maat was the kind of person who would look at a burning building and immediately begin citing the laws against having bonfires larger than a certain size.the quote jar
He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.the quote jar
"Does the wizarding world have any concept of animal cruelty?" Taylor asked. "Yeah, we know loads of ways to be cruel to animals," Sirius replied, deadpan.the quote jar
This prompted another round of debates focussed on what, precisely, constituted espionage, and no, "You weren't hiding it that well" was not a valid excuse.the quote jar
Alien race creates a new religion for humanity. Aliens tell Humanity they created it. Humanity proceeds to burn a 1000 planets in a holy war for retaliation.the quote jar
But the power of friendship is very real! If I have more of it than you it means I have more friends, which means that when we fight my firing line is bigger.the quote jar
We poison our air and water to weed out the weak! We set off fission bombs in our only biosphere! We nailed our God to a stick! Don't fuck with the human race!the quote jar
I want to go into detail about the combat system. I'd like to, but I keep finding myself idly gouging chunks of flesh out of my arm whenever I try to summarize it.the quote jar
Volume didn't substitute for numbers any more than self-importance swapped itself in for height, but it did mean the stupidity could be heard at a greater distance.the quote jar
Nothing says “we don’t want to deal with your crap” better than moving the portal exit from a somewhat peaceful forest to the twenty-million-degree heart of a star.the quote jar
I'm starting to think that Rats Bloodthorne is actually a team of professional writers stacked on top of each other, disguising themselves in an oversized trenchcoat.the quote jar
What followed was like a demented game of whack-a-mole, except the hammer couldn't land exactly on the mole and the mole kept shooting the hammer every time it missed.the quote jar
“You know how many pilots it takes to screw in a light bulb, don’t you?” he asked. “One. He just holds it up to the socket and waits for the world to turn around him!”the quote jar
Hughes has his elbows propped on the table and his fingertips massaging his temples like the barometric pressure of ambient stupidity in the room is giving him a migraine;the quote jar
Regret: "All we wanted to do was commit genocide, what have we done to offend the Forerunners so?" Forerunner AI: "WOULD YOU LIKE AN ITEMIZED LIST? IT BEGINS WITH GENOCIDE."the quote jar
Scammer called while listening to this on my phone. I pick up and say "Imperium of Mankind Tech Support, have you tried appeasing the machine spirit?" - they hung up fast af.the quote jar
"Any sufficiently analyzed magic is indistinguishable from science!"Agatha Heterodyne
“And I like large parties. They’re so intimate. At small parties there isn’t any privacy.”the quote jar
If you wish to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first invent the universe.the quote jar
If there is anything the nonconformist hates worse than a conformist, it's another nonconformist who doesn't conform to the prevailing standard of nonconformity.the quote jar
“I" before "E" except after "C" and when sounding like "A" as in neighbor and weigh, and on weekends and holidays and all throughout May, and YOU'LL ALWAYS BE WRONG NO MATTER WHAT YOU SAY!!!!”Brian Regan
“Never in my life have I ever thought I’d say this, but it looks like the resurrection is called on account of unicorn.”Magic School Days
“You do realize,” Parvati said, sitting down at the table after returning from a talk with her sister, “you are effectively losing an argument against someone with a one-word vocabulary.”Magic School Days
Are you insinuating that I meddle in other people's lives in order to fill a boredom-induced-void that otherwise aches in the absence of constructive work to satisfy my industrious nature?Rigel Black and the Futile Façade: Chapter 3
What a privilege it is, to be seen as terrifying even while weak. It’s always fun how tunes change when they see you do something perfectly normal, like kill a squid made of razors with one’s teeth.Reforged From Ruin: Chapter 17 - Tearful Goodbyes And Dick Jokes
"the sky is now a trip hazard" "I'm attempting to break the game, but I'm dummy thicc, and the clap of my ass cheeks keeps solving the global energy crisis." "the first and second *suggestions* of thermodynamics"Goose - @NeuroticGoose(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VcrBDGVX5Pg)
So she's pretending pretty damn hard here. It's like a civil war reenactment that got so out of hand the South actually rose again and successfully defeated the federal government to secede from the United States.Pax_Empyrean – Sufficient Velocity(https://forums.sufficientvelocity.com/threads/i-am-skitter-worm.30884/post-6589727)
“I’ll satellite cannon Medhall?” Cate offered innocently. “We cannot glass all our problems from the atmosphere,” I threw my hands up in a growl of annoyance. “Not with that attitude,” both Velvet and Cate said bluntly.Aces and Jokers
That's our Taylor, passing out phobias like Halloween candy.the quote jar
Mustang doesn’t fail to notice how Mustache is eyeing them like they’re a bucket of nitroglycerin on a particularly wobbly skateboard.the quote jar
Though if Bakuda had something happen to her, those two goons and I would have words. Most of those words would be, ‘Oh god please no not the legs.’the quote jar
Hack to enforce UTF-8 in output (in the future, if you see anypony not using utf-8 in programs by default, report them to Princess Celestia so she can banish them to the moon)the quote jar
This was a small one off c file that ballooned into a small project, I did not originally plan to publish it. Consequently the code is ugly/will eat your face. You have been warned.the quote jar

view source